LIZZISMS (Pithy sayings from Prof. Liz)
Join a cult!
Crashing celebrity funerals is a good way to make connections.
<Insert name of famous person here> is bisexual. But you're not supposed to know that.
JEFF: Essentially, the character will become
LIZ: What? Asexual? You mean no sex?! God, it'd be better to die than to not have sex!
JEFF: Well, uh . . . um, what do you want then?
LIZ: Sex! Sex, sex, sex, sex, SEX!
LIZ: (to ME, regarding my sceenplay)
You've got a great situation, with great characters, great structure, and
really interesting story. Now just cut 90% of the dialogue.
OTHER bits of Wisdom from DWP Profs
PUPURA: Today, I'm going to show you a movie about jealousy, about friendship, about finding one's place in society . . . it's a story in which the king is overthrown, but redeems himself and comes back into power by the end. Today, I'm going to show you . . . Toy Story.
PUPURA: You know why I love this movie? No actors.
PAUL: Back when I was a holistic healer . . .
PAUL: More of you need to smoke . . . it gets lonely out in the stairwell.
PURPURA: Nobody cares about you or your
angst or your problems. People want to be entertained.
They go to the movies to be entertained.
GIAN-PAULO: I didn't bring in any work today
because, see, I had numb hands. They just wouldn't work. They
were . . . numb.
LIZ: Your hands were literally numb?
GIAN-PAULO: Well, not literally . . .
ME: (while watching The X-Files)
Oh, freaky--that guy is embedded in a rock.
KEVIN: Hey, we could make a zany sitcom out of this. Rockman!
ME: The setup--he's half man, half rock. Hilarity ensues.
JEFF: How could you tell I was gay?
ME: Well, I mean, come on, you've got the spiky gay hair.
ERIC: You guys had me ranked as the 2nd straightest guy
in the class?
ME: No, I had you ranked at #1.
KEVIN: No, Jonathan is #1.
ME: No way, Eric is. Come on, look at him. He's flamingly straight.
LAUREN BACALL: (scolding me and my friends, at the final dress rehearsal) You have to wait in line like everybody else!
WILL: Who's that?
ME: That's Harold Prince, you Philistine.
GIAN-PAULO: I didn't like it. But
I really just don't like the genre of musical theatre.
LIZ: Really? What musical theatre have you seen?
GIAN-PAULO: Well, this, and, uh . . . Cats.
RACHEL: No, I don't know how it ends.
ME: Great! (to CHAR) Don't tell her what happens, she doesn't know how it ends.
CHAR: I don't know how it ends either. Well, except that he dies.
ME and RACHEL: Char!
CHAR: What?! Like the great big tree on the stage isn't a clue?
KEVIN: (walking out of the theater, after the final performance) So, when's the revival?
JRB: (at Virgin Megastore) I've got
HEATHER: (confused) What?
ME: So he can sign our CDs.
HEATHER: Oh! I thought you meant that someone had lost their pen and . . . nevermind.
ME: It's a nice pen.
NICOLE: There aren't any red hills in Georgia.
ME: You said yourself that the dirt is red there.
NICOLE: Yeah, there's red dirt, but not red hills.
ME: But, see, during the Civil War, Sherman went down there and tore the place apart. It was total war, they burned everything in sight.
NICOLE: What, they burned down the hills?
ME: Well . . .
NICOLE: They burned the dirt?
ME: Well, yeah . . . I guess . . .
NICOLE: You can't burn dirt!
ME: Can too! Dirt burns, dammit!
Theatre and Theatre People
JASON ROBERT BROWN: (on RATM) Take me on, bitch, I promise I'm better than you.
BETSY: Viva la JRB!
FIONA: Adam who?
ME: Don Stephenson's voice . . . proof that God is good and all is right with the world.
MARTIN MORAN: I gotta hit the john before the show starts.
ME: Damn. He told me the name of the play he's doing next, but I was so busy staring at him that I didn't hear what he said.
ME: (at Ragtime) So, do you like the show so far?
TOURIST LADY: Oh, yes, it's wonderful. But have you seen Jekyll and Hyde? It is the best show I've ever seen.
TOURIST LADY: Yes! This show here, on a scale from one to ten, I'd say a 4 or a 5. But Jekyll and Hyde, on a scale from one to ten . . . a 12.
ME: <supressing laughter>
US: (at Cabaret) Do you sell student rush tickets?
BOX OFFICE NAZI: We're a hit, we don't need to sell rush tickets!
ME: Would it be bad protocol for me to bring
a tape recorder to a show that I'm reviewing?
BETSY: No. You can just write, "Well, I really enjoyed the show up until the part where they escorted me out of the theater . . . "
JEFF EDGERTON: (in Fables in Slang) He realized that if he wanted to be a truly boss and knobby preacher, he'd have to guff up his sermons a bit.
VICTOR GARBER: (to ASHLEY) Shhh, Phantom is still
ASHLEY: Yeah, well your show is better, anyway.
ME: Aaggghh! Victor Garber shushed you!
KEVIN: (at Titanic) What is that androgynous creature running around the stage in the first scene?
BETSY: (describing a moment at The Iceman Cometh stage
door when Laurence Fishburne and company approached) And I
thought, "Omigod, they're going to kill Tony Danza!" And then the
guy next to me said that they were just people from 'The Matrix.'
And then I thought "Omigod, the guys from 'The Matrix' are going to kill
ELINA: Are we in B.C. or A.D.?
RACHEL: I like clean walls.
ELINA: My doctor says I need to stop taking my anxiety medication. But I'm scared to.
CHAR: If you ever leave your alarm clock on again I will rip your heart out.
ELINA: Oh no, I lost my wallet and my social security card was in there. I need a new social security number now. Where do I get a new social security number?! I can't leave the dorm now! I don't have a social security number anymore!
RACHEL: Fuck you, Char.
CHAR: I'm not that bored, and you're not that lucky.
ELINA: I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy!
I'm not crazy!
ADAM: Don't say you live in Northern Kentucky. Say you live in Extended Southern Ohio.
FIONA: Did you notice that Kevin seemed more comfortable touching
BETSY: I know! He was SO gay.
FIONA: It's weird. I never thought . . .
BETSY: Please. No one can be that good and be straight. And he went to Juilliard. No straight man can get into Juilliard. It's on the application.
NICOLE: Pieter de Hooch . . . Mac Daddy of Dutch painters.
ME: The Virgin Mary? Who died and made her a saint?
TODD: You know, I think I need to change my name to something more hip, like Puff Toddy.
CYBERWILL: Drinking Mountain Dew can mess
up your kids.
JASON G.: Well, that shouldn't be a problem since I don't date anyone with a uterus.
BETSY'S HEART: *cough* *sputter* *gasp* *die*
BETSY: (crossing the street, after above-quoted
incident) Hurry up, before the light turns straight.
ME: "Straight," huh? Freudian slip there, Bets?
ME: (at a play that same evening) Ooh, he's adorable.
BETSY: You realize, of course, that my mental health is riding on him being straight.
MGLUMAC: So what are you looking
for in a man?
BETSY: I'm going to stay in and work tonight.
No, really, I am.
ME: You wanna go see a show tonight? It's called--
BETSY: Sure, what the heck.
BETSY: I'm depressed.
ME: You know what I do when I'm feeling down? I just think happy Don thoughts.
FIONA: It's all about the gayboys!
MOM: I never liked pot. I always preferred speed.
DAD: I've invented a new word--elsetime. As in, "I'm not going to do it now, I'm going to do it elsetime."
ALEC: I love violence.
MOM: Where's the weed killer? I have to kill the dandelions. I must have pure, Aryan grass on my lawn.
ALEC: The peas can't see me!
MOM: (to me, after reading my one-act play)
Wow, you might actually have some talent!
ASHLEY: Cows could never rule the world because they don't have opposable thumbs.
NICOLE: Just out of curiosity . . .
ME: (in foreign language mode) Es muy freakin' frio! Je suis Brookeee!
KESSE: (every single morning at school) My mother is such a bitch.
ME: That's a damn good cookie.
KIDS: Trick or treat!
NICOLE: Here you go, kids!
KIDS: Thank you!
NICOLE: You too!
ME: My train of thought just crashed.
NIKOLE: That's the building with windows that look like glass!
JENNY: Handel couldn't have been gay--he wrote the Messiah!
LOUIS DAVIS: Smells like Fetal Pig in here.
HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS
MR. HITZFIELD: Super good and gettin' better!
MRS. BRINKMAN: You're such a retard, Brian.
MR. HILS: Walt Whitman, who was a flaming homosexual . . .
MR. HITZFIELD: I'm so good I should be twins.
MR. BEIL: You can't tell your asymptope from a hole in the graph.
MR. HITZFIELD: I know what a chemical engineer is. He's the guy who drives the train that carries the chemicals in it.
MRS. CHALLIS: (in English class) I can't remember the English word for it . . .