LIZZISMS (Pithy sayings from Prof. Liz)

Join a cult!

Crashing celebrity funerals is a good way to make connections.

<Insert name of famous person here> is bisexual.  But you're not supposed to know that.

JEFF:  Essentially, the character will become asexual.
LIZ:  What?  Asexual?  You mean no sex?!  God, it'd be better to die than to not have sex!
JEFF:  Well, uh . . . um, what do you want then?
LIZ:  Sex!  Sex, sex, sex, sex, SEX!

LIZ:  (to ME, regarding my sceenplay)  You've got a great situation, with great characters, great structure, and really interesting story.  Now just cut 90% of the dialogue.
 
 

OTHER bits of Wisdom from DWP Profs

PUPURA:  Today, I'm going to show you a movie about jealousy, about friendship, about finding one's place in society . . . it's a story in which the king is overthrown, but redeems himself and comes back into power by the end.  Today, I'm going to show you . . . Toy Story.

PUPURA:  You know why I love this movie?  No actors.

PAUL:  Back when I was a holistic healer . . .

PAUL:  More of you need to smoke . . . it gets lonely out in the stairwell.

PURPURA:  Nobody cares about you or your angst or your problems.  People want to be entertained.  They go to the movies to be entertained.
 
 

STUDENT Quotes

GIAN-PAULO:  I didn't bring in any work today because, see, I had numb hands.  They just wouldn't work.  They were . . . numb.
LIZ:  Your hands were literally numb?
GIAN-PAULO:  Well, not literally . . .

ME: (while watching The X-Files)  Oh, freaky--that guy is embedded in a rock.
KEVIN:  Hey, we could make a zany sitcom out of this.  Rockman!
ME:  The setup--he's half man, half rock.  Hilarity ensues.

JEFF:  How could you tell I was gay?
ME:  Well, I mean, come on, you've got the spiky gay hair.

ERIC:  You guys had me ranked as the 2nd straightest guy in the class?
ME:  No, I had you ranked at #1.
KEVIN:  No, Jonathan is #1.
ME:  No way, Eric is.  Come on, look at him.  He's flamingly straight.

 
Parade-going
 

LAUREN BACALL:  (scolding me and my friends, at the final dress rehearsal)  You have to wait in line like everybody else!

WILL:  Who's that?
ME:  That's Harold Prince, you Philistine.

GIAN-PAULO:  I didn't like it.  But I really just don't like the genre of musical theatre.
LIZ:  Really?  What musical theatre have you seen?
GIAN-PAULO:  Well, this, and, uh . . . Cats.

RACHEL:  No, I don't know how it ends.
ME:  Great!  (to CHAR)  Don't tell her what happens, she doesn't know how it ends.
CHAR:  I don't know how it ends either.  Well, except that he dies.
ME and RACHEL:  Char!
CHAR:  What?!  Like the great big tree on the stage isn't a clue?

KEVIN:  (walking out of the theater, after the final performance) So, when's the revival?

JRB:  (at Virgin Megastore)  I've got a pen.
HEATHER:  (confused)  What?
ME:  So he can sign our CDs.
HEATHER:  Oh!  I thought you meant that someone had lost their pen and . . . nevermind.
ME:  It's a nice pen.
 
NICOLE:  There aren't any red hills in Georgia.
ME:  You said yourself that the dirt is red there.
NICOLE:  Yeah, there's red dirt, but not red hills.
ME:  But, see, during the Civil War, Sherman went down there and tore the place apart.  It was total war, they burned everything in sight.
NICOLE:  What, they burned down the hills?
ME:  Well . . .
NICOLE:  They burned the dirt?
ME:  Well, yeah . . . I guess . . .
NICOLE:  You can't burn dirt!
ME:  Can too!  Dirt burns, dammit!
 

Theatre and Theatre People
 

JASON ROBERT BROWN:  (on RATM)  Take me on, bitch, I promise I'm better than you.

BETSY:  Viva la JRB!
FIONA:  Adam who?
BETSY:  Wild-huh?

ME:  Don Stephenson's voice . . . proof that God is good and all is right with the world.

MARTIN MORAN:  I gotta hit the john before the show starts.

ME:  Damn.  He told me the name of the play he's doing next, but I was so busy staring at him that I didn't hear what he said.

ME:  (at Ragtime)  So, do you like the show so far?
TOURIST LADY:  Oh, yes, it's wonderful.  But have you seen Jekyll and Hyde?  It is the best show I've ever seen.
ME:  Really?
TOURIST LADY:  Yes!  This show here, on a scale from one to ten, I'd say a 4 or a 5.  But Jekyll and Hyde, on a scale from one to ten . . . a 12.
ME:  <supressing laughter>

US:  (at Cabaret)  Do you sell student rush tickets?
BOX OFFICE NAZI:  We're a hit, we don't need to sell rush tickets!

ME:  Would it be bad protocol for me to bring a tape recorder to a show that I'm reviewing?
BETSY:  No.  You can just write, "Well, I really enjoyed the show up until the part where they escorted me out of the theater . . . "

JEFF EDGERTON:  (in Fables in Slang)  He realized that if he wanted to be a truly boss and knobby preacher, he'd have to guff up his sermons a bit.

VICTOR GARBER:  (to ASHLEY)  Shhh, Phantom is still playing.
ASHLEY:  Yeah, well your show is better, anyway.
VICTOR:  Thanks.
ME:  Aaggghh!  Victor Garber shushed you!
 
KEVIN:  (at Titanic)  What is that androgynous creature running around the stage in the first scene?

BETSY:  (describing a moment at The Iceman Cometh stage door when Laurence Fishburne and company approached)   And I thought, "Omigod, they're going to kill Tony Danza!"  And then the guy next to me said that they were just people from 'The Matrix.'  And then I thought "Omigod, the guys from 'The Matrix' are going to kill Tony Danza!"
 
 
Roommates

ELINA:  Are we in B.C. or A.D.?

RACHEL:  I like clean walls.

ELINA:  My doctor says I need to stop taking my anxiety medication.  But I'm scared to.

CHAR:  If you ever leave your alarm clock on again I will rip your heart out.

ELINA:  Oh no, I lost my wallet and my social security card was in there.  I need a new social security number now.  Where do I get a new social security number?!  I can't leave the dorm now!  I don't have a social security number anymore!

RACHEL:  Fuck you, Char.
CHAR:  I'm not that bored, and you're not that lucky.

ELINA:  I'm not crazy!  I'm not crazy!  I'm not crazy!
 
 

Random
 

ADAM:  Don't say you live in Northern Kentucky.  Say you live in Extended Southern Ohio.

FIONA:  Did you notice that Kevin seemed more comfortable touching men?
BETSY:  I know!  He was SO gay.
FIONA:  It's weird.  I never thought . . .
BETSY:  Please.  No one can be that good and be straight.  And he went to Juilliard.  No straight man can get into Juilliard.  It's on the application.

NICOLE:  Pieter de Hooch . . . Mac Daddy of Dutch painters.

ME:  The Virgin Mary?  Who died and made her a saint?

TODD:  You know, I think I need to change my name to something more hip, like Puff Toddy.

CYBERWILL:  Drinking Mountain Dew can mess up your kids.
JASON G.:  Well, that shouldn't be a problem since I don't date anyone with a uterus.
BETSY'S HEART:  *cough* *sputter* *gasp* *die*

BETSY:  (crossing the street, after above-quoted incident)  Hurry up, before the light turns straight.
ME:  "Straight," huh?  Freudian slip there, Bets?

ME:  (at a play that same evening)  Ooh, he's adorable.
BETSY:  You realize, of course, that my mental health is riding on him being straight.

MGLUMAC:  So what are you looking for in a man?
BETSY:  Heterosexuality.

BETSY:  I'm going to stay in and work tonight.  No, really, I am.
ME:  You wanna go see a show tonight?  It's called--
BETSY:  Sure, what the heck.
 
BETSY:  I'm depressed.
ME:  You know what I do when I'm feeling down?  I just think happy Don thoughts.

FIONA:  It's all about the gayboys!
 
 

Back Home

FAMILY

MOM:  I never liked pot.  I always preferred speed.

DAD:  I've invented a new word--elsetime.  As in, "I'm not going to do it now, I'm going to do it elsetime."

ALEC:  I love violence.

MOM:  Where's the weed killer?  I have to kill the dandelions.  I must have pure, Aryan grass on my lawn.

ALEC:  The peas can't see me!

MOM:  (to me, after reading my one-act play)  Wow, you might actually have some talent!
 

FRIENDS

ASHLEY:  Cows could never rule the world because they don't have opposable thumbs.

NICOLE:  Just out of curiosity . . .

ME:  (in foreign language mode)  Es muy freakin' frio!  Je suis Brookeee!

KESSE:  (every single morning at school)  My mother is such a bitch.

ME:  That's a damn good cookie.

KIDS:  Trick or treat!
NICOLE:  Here you go, kids!
KIDS:  Thank you!
NICOLE:  You too!

ME:  My train of thought just crashed.

NIKOLE:  That's the building with windows that look like glass!

JENNY:  Handel couldn't have been gay--he wrote the Messiah!

LOUIS DAVIS:  Smells like Fetal Pig in here.
 
 

HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS

MR. HITZFIELD:  Super good and gettin' better!

MRS.  BRINKMAN:  You're such a retard, Brian.

MR.  HILS:  Walt Whitman, who was a flaming homosexual . . .

MR. HITZFIELD:  I'm so good I should be twins.

MR. BEIL:  You can't tell your asymptope from a hole in the graph.

MR. HITZFIELD:  I know what a chemical engineer is.  He's the guy who drives the train that carries the chemicals in it.

MRS. CHALLIS:  (in English class)  I can't remember the English word for it . . .